Once upon a time, the Dalai Lama was in the U.S. giving a talk to some of the wisest spiritual teachers of our day. At one point, one of the audience members asked "What should we do about self-hatred?"
The Dalai Lama was baffled. "What is the question? Who do you hate?" He thought surely he had misunderstood, and he spent quite a while, more than ten minutes, talking with his translator to ensure that nothing was getting lost in translation. When he was sure he had grasped the whole question, he said "This you cannot do."
It turns out that self-hatred is really a very Western thing.
But we all know what the questioner meant.
Who among us has never been frustrated with themselves for the way they handled a situation, for their lack of progress in their career, for their body weight, their poor grades, their difficulty keeping their house clean, their lack of patience with their kids, their.... You get the idea. We've all been there.
For many of us, that's because it's what we saw modeled as kids. For others, it's rooted in the very comments that parents and other important figures in our lives made about us and to us. If it's neither of those, surely you've taken in messages from our culture and social media about how we "should" be. The potential causes are endless, but what do we do about it?
In the end, the Dalai Lama's answer largely revolved around treating yourself with more tenderness and love. In fact, this event was one of the major factors leading to the emergence of Loving Kindness (Metta) meditations in the West. If you're like so many people, being told to treat yourself more kindly is a giant "Cool. But how do I do that?" at best. If you've tried to interrupt self-critical thoughts or use affirmations, you might still find that it's not quite sinking in.
It has to sink all the way to the heart of things.
And so, to combat a life's worth of self-critical messages, we must develop practices to turn our desire for self-love into action. Let me introduce you to two.
First, loving kindness meditations are bomb. They are a structured way to give love to yourself, others, and the world. Like any practice that is intended to transform your psyche on a deep level, they're best practiced daily or as often as you can (but don't berate yourself if you can't get to them every day! That's kind of antithetical to the whole thing, right?). I have also personally found that they are a wonderful way to soften my heart toward difficult people. If you're interested in giving them a go, feel free to check out free guided meditations on Insight Timer. There are also about a billion of them all over the internet, so keep trying new ones until you find one that sticks.
Second (and this is my new favorite), is writing yourself Letters from Love. I can't take credit for this one, but it has been truly lifechanging for me. Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic (among others), is one of my favorite writers and general gurus of all time. She's a wonderous witch of wordcraft, but she's also insanely and inspiringly wise. In a dark moment about thirty years ago, she grabbed a notebook and began channeling unconditional love toward herself onto the page. She has continued this practice — sporadically at first and fastidiously in more recent years — since, and she now has a Substack where she posts one of her Letters from Love and one by a guest every week. It is perhaps the most beautiful, positive and loving corner of the internet that I have ever found.
To write yourself a Letter from Love, there are very few rules. The only ones that exist are these: don't overthink it (or really think much at all), do use terms of endearment or pet names, and don't go more then five or ten minutes. You simply start by writing "Dear Love, what would you have me know today?" and then channel whatever pure Love has to say to you. I find that Love so often says all the things we wish someone would say to us. The other wonderful thing about channeling Love is that, unlike giving ourselves mini mental pep talks, we don't have as much tendency to respond to kind comments with "yeah, but..."
As you write Love's response, begin with a pet name — something tender and sweet like sweetiepie, my little dew drop, my love, etc. Whatever feels loving in the way that a parent should love a small child, even if that's not how you were loved as a child. You can even start by making a list of these types of names to get your juices flowing. It might feel a bit unnatural at first, but we're practicing channeling an energy of pure affection and gentleness. Once five or ten minutes (tops!) have elapsed, sign the letter and let it go. If your letter gets any longer than that, chances are good that you're now thinking instead of channeling.
Here's one of my recent Letters from Love:
This practice can be difficult or even intimidating to start. I urge you — with all the love and gentleness in the world — to try it anyway. Some people fear that Love will not answer, but it always does. It has been waiting to hear from you.
I view these practices as foundational for good mental health for so many reasons. I see clients every day with deep childhood wounds from times when all they wanted was to be seen and treated with unconditional love. These practices are your opportunity to take control of your own healing journey by being the love you need. I have seen Love melt anxiety, depression, self-criticism and so many other things.
With love to you,
Erin
P.S. If you need a little extra help with this, feel free to reach out!
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